Bye Monkey…?

Well,

I called it. My girl up and left me. She was not doing well and her high level of awareness and intelligence, after seeing what happened when Rudy died; I think she wanted to spare us any more pain. The jerk.

She spent her last few days with me, which was strange because she was preferring the lower half of the house for its couch space and better AC. She jumped up on the bed and layed with me. Also strange cause she was too timid at times to jump up. I’m glad Ihad managed to bathe and brush her one last time. As we laied together on the bed, she made some strange gagging sounds and just gave me a knowing look like, “Yeah mom, this isn’t getting better. I’m sorry.”

I managed to get her to drink water, which at that point she wasn’t doing on her own. With the speed that she was chugging it down, I knew she was going to puke. So I helped her off the bed and led her to the bathroom to lay on the cool tile and got some towels.

Sure enough, there was a liquid eruption and there was just water everywhere. I let her outside so she wouldn’t get sick all over her, and in case she had to puke anymore. She finished up, as I finished cleaning the mess and checked on her downstairs. She gave me a look; and I knew then that it would be the last time I would see her.

Next morning, I went to head back down to check in with her, but Steve caught me and said she had puked all over the place. He had let her out so she can get it out, outside. I knew she wouldn’t be back.

Still, I looked for her everywhere. I called every shelter and hospital and rescue within 100 miles, then drove around and around checking each shelter I could find. Many tears and days later, I have come to accept that she is gone.

She was way too sentient. She knew what kind of pain it would cause everybody. She saw how everyone reacted with Rudy. She knew we were so tight with money and that we already had so much stress going on. Having to call and cancel her vet appointment was one of the harder things I had to do. It was like saying it all out loud really made it all more real.

She was a rescue, I will always rescue. She lived most of her life before me, in a cage. She was moved from shelter to shelter, so timid and afraid of everything. Her previous owners (who gave her to me), let her have her freedom, but when she would go out longer than they would like, they would be really rough on her. Which only made her more timid and scared. She didn’t like to come home if she went on a solo adventure; out of fear of a beating when she returned. I’ve only had to really spank her once, and she never crossed that line with me again.

We had such a mutual understanding of each other and could feel each others pain and emotions. I hardly had to use words with her. She understood my gestures and knew what I wanted from her given the situation. She was my shadow and my best friend. She was my comfort and my support. We overcame so much together, and now, she’s gone.

She never got to meet my son. That is truly the hardest part of it all. She was supposed to be here! She was supposed to love and care for him with me. I’m so broken because of this.

I have to stop.

I miss you Monk. If you are still out there, please come home. If you’re not, I love you. So much.