Only Quitters Quit!

Where in some…most cases, quitting something is normally a good thing.

Especially smoking…

Hubby and I are LONG time stoner! LONG TIME!

We’ve both been smoking weed since 13.

I have been smoking ciggarettes since I was 11 and only really quit 2 years ago when I found out I was pregnant. I quit both during my pregnancy for those who seem to really care about that kind of thing…

So, in my opinion… I am a REAL smoker. I’ve inhaled more nicotine and marijuana than regular air…that is a fact. I was a HEAVY smoker! At my worst I smoked AN ENTIRE CARTON WITHIN A SINGLE DAY!! AND HAD TO GO BUY MORE!!!! It was a rough time for me…

Now we are 27 & 26 and have a son and need to get real adult lives going… which means we have to give up the green… which is meerly political… have to stop cause its illegal and we want real jobs and careers that still look down on that kind of thing… but you drink every day?! You’re fine! Whatever…

I DO NOT WANT TO QUIT SMOKING WEED!

There is too much going on in my life right now for me to just be free of everything. I am a stay at home mom, I am living in the middle of no where without any outside support. My poor hubby is the only one able to slave away right now. He’s paying for all my shit… I am honestly spiraling out of control, mentally… I am snappy, depressed, beyond anxious… I don’t eat regularly, if at all… things are just not great mentally and I can’t really share that with hubby since he has too much on his own plate and I have guilt putting more on his mind… so if I don’t have that one little ease of the mind, I snap and lose it… and don’t start with the whole addicted to weed thing cause I’m not… again I’ve quit in the past, all smoking… wasn’t bad…

BUT!

I just don’t want to quit.

I stopped smoking ciggs cause that IS gross and unhealthy, but I see (and treat) weed like wine. I can have a glass and that’s fine.

“Too much of anything is bad!”


I finally told my doctor about my migraines and he is getting me in touch with a neurologist… nervous… never been to one before and I’ve been getting migraines like this for years… scared.

I’m taking a second to mention this now, because I am getting one as we speak (probably due to the anxiety thinking of quitting something that actually helps me…) and I’ve lost all train of thought and direction… damn it…


Long story short, which I will come back to, I don’t want to quit.

He has medication for his anxiety and leaves the house and has his own ways of diffusing and relaxing… my job never ends and my doctor told me he didn’t want me on medication since I’ve always been a hippy I might as well continue to go on without any help of medication… kind of upset by that answer, but I can also agree…

I prefer to use herbal remedies for my pain.

My doctor knows I smoke weed, knows about us trying to “quit”, and said that I should stick with what I know works to help me. I am a healthy individual otherwise, and believe in marijuana’s healing properties and effects. I’ve never taken perscriptions, never took pain meds, even went 100% natural child birth…

I can take pain.

I know my body, I know what I can handle, I know how to treat myself.

I really don’t want to give up my “medication”, or I need my state to legalize medically so I can get what I need to feel better. Cause now I’m being asked to quit what makes me feel normal and comfortable, by my husband… he has every right and reason to want to quit. I an NOT blaming him, I am NOT stopping him. I just don’t want to join him 100% in quitting… not yet.

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Literally…Damn…

There is just way too much for me to catch up things on.

Connor is now an 8 month old little boy…forget baby! I have no idea how that happened all so fast…

Molly (Anthony’s doggy) is overweight and is slowing down at a young age and if you’ve read my other articles… there is some PTSD in regards to this subject… BREAK!…


Is that offensive to say? “there is some PTSD in regards to this subject”?  Like I do take PTSD seriously, but you I hope people know where I’m coming from when I say that… I’m not like the most politically correct person, or sensitive, I just don’t want people to be too offended(?) I don’t know… back to business…


Anthony took Connor and I on an amazing vacation to St. Petersburg, FL.

I feel in love with the place!

We have been looking to move there for some time now.

With just still one income and bills + baby… its a little hard to get off the ground… not to mention our credit isn’t the best either…

There was a brief moment where we were thinking of moving to Vermont… but I hate the snow and that place gets a little too cold for me. NEXT!

Now the search is in Richmond, VA…

I really need a wall map of the states and pin all the places that I’ve been looking into…

Honestly, it might help me organize me thoughts a little better, but I’m just excessive like that.


When I am looking for a place, other than the obvious (price, income, school, employment, blah blah blah) I want a place that really doesn’t excsist.

I want the feeling of pride like we have being raised in NY.

The laid back people of Seattle, who we think alike.

The liveliness/lifestyle/culture of the people in St. Petersburg.

I want warm 80% of the time (Anthony wants seasons).

I want mountains, rivers, lakes, streams; but really just not flat… nature. I love hiking.

Hipster-like… beer gardens, live music, yoga, art studios…

Growth for industry and business… we need to be able to make GOOD money… potentially.

Good schools, or alternative schools… stuff for kids and mostly MY kid.


If somewhere like that sounds like a place you know… TELL ME!!!

Our Shotgun Wedding!

It’s funny.

I’ve always knew of the term ‘shotgun wedding’, but here we are, hitched with hardly anyone knowing it!

So my divorce was finalized only… maybe… 2 months ago…

THANK GOD!!!

I still have been using my maiden name totally unofficially, and have yet to change anything over yet- oh the fun process.

Well… where to start…

Anthony and I were at my NST (Non-Stress Test) listening to baby Connors heartbeat- a routine thing when you have gestational diabetes I guess. It was the day we were filling out Connors birth certificate and other paperwork.

Because it asked, I had put down that I was divorced, well… cause I am. Mind you this test was done… I think, 2 weeks before my induction date. The nurse told us then, at that moment, that since I was divorced within the 9 months of being pregnant that Anthony would NOT be put on the birth certificate and that would mean the father would be left blank. AND… they would enter my SS# and would have to put in my current legal name which like I said, I haven’t changed back yet… NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! I would refuse to sign anything. No way.

She said that we could always change the father status by having my ex come to NC and fill out a paper saying that he is NOT the father and then Anthony could be on the certificate. NOT HAPPENING!!

I would have been divorced a year ago had that moron filled out paperwork correctly. Idiot…

So needless to say I didn’t like any of that and those options were trash.

Luckily she said all of that would be ignored and waved over if we were to go get married instantly. So, we did!

We left the hospital and went right to town hall and got the marriage license and the next day 8/3/17 we were married!


This being my second time getting married, I have to say, it felt so much more real to me.

Maybe that’s because I had gotten married at a renaissance faire the first time…

Even though the only person who was there was Steve, cause we needed a witness, it was so much more special.

I actually teared up a bit and so did he. The whole situation and circumstance was hilarious and we laughed and giggled the whole time, but it was us. It was really for Connor. We didn’t want him linked to my past, we didn’t want him to have this blank father, who was there through it all. He was made and created out of love and that’s how we are raising him.

Yeah it was totally rushed. No, it’s not at all how we wanted things to go. But are we happy? Yes.

We have already been married a month and it seems like nothing has changed while everything has absolutely changed.

I really can’t describe the feeling of how different the marriages are. Well, my first husband was a timid, scared, immature boy-child; whom I tried to show the world and give experiences- don’t ever try to do that; waste of so much time.

Anthony, *sigh* makes me feel in love. I still get mushy over him, he still gives me butterflies. We both have so much understanding of ourselves and eachother and our world that a lot of the problems or stuggles we have, we get through them easily. He knows how to make me smile and laugh and what makes me happy. He can read between my feelings and actions and see what I’m really feeling or hiding.

I told my sister that it was like wearing someone elses shoes for so long, they didn’t fit, they were uncomfortable, but you had to wear them for this event or something. Then you finally take them off and put on your favorite shoes and everything just feels right. You can walk, talk, and breathe finally. Every step you take now doesn’t cause you pain. You don’t feel like you are putting on a show for people anymore. You are comfortable.

I can go on and on with tons of different metaphors for how Anthony makes me feel. To put it simply- he makes me feel good. Whole. Safe. Loved.

 

Bye Monkey…?

Well,

I called it. My girl up and left me. She was not doing well and her high level of awareness and intelligence, after seeing what happened when Rudy died; I think she wanted to spare us any more pain. The jerk.

She spent her last few days with me, which was strange because she was preferring the lower half of the house for its couch space and better AC. She jumped up on the bed and layed with me. Also strange cause she was too timid at times to jump up. I’m glad Ihad managed to bathe and brush her one last time. As we laied together on the bed, she made some strange gagging sounds and just gave me a knowing look like, “Yeah mom, this isn’t getting better. I’m sorry.”

I managed to get her to drink water, which at that point she wasn’t doing on her own. With the speed that she was chugging it down, I knew she was going to puke. So I helped her off the bed and led her to the bathroom to lay on the cool tile and got some towels.

Sure enough, there was a liquid eruption and there was just water everywhere. I let her outside so she wouldn’t get sick all over her, and in case she had to puke anymore. She finished up, as I finished cleaning the mess and checked on her downstairs. She gave me a look; and I knew then that it would be the last time I would see her.

Next morning, I went to head back down to check in with her, but Steve caught me and said she had puked all over the place. He had let her out so she can get it out, outside. I knew she wouldn’t be back.

Still, I looked for her everywhere. I called every shelter and hospital and rescue within 100 miles, then drove around and around checking each shelter I could find. Many tears and days later, I have come to accept that she is gone.

She was way too sentient. She knew what kind of pain it would cause everybody. She saw how everyone reacted with Rudy. She knew we were so tight with money and that we already had so much stress going on. Having to call and cancel her vet appointment was one of the harder things I had to do. It was like saying it all out loud really made it all more real.

She was a rescue, I will always rescue. She lived most of her life before me, in a cage. She was moved from shelter to shelter, so timid and afraid of everything. Her previous owners (who gave her to me), let her have her freedom, but when she would go out longer than they would like, they would be really rough on her. Which only made her more timid and scared. She didn’t like to come home if she went on a solo adventure; out of fear of a beating when she returned. I’ve only had to really spank her once, and she never crossed that line with me again.

We had such a mutual understanding of each other and could feel each others pain and emotions. I hardly had to use words with her. She understood my gestures and knew what I wanted from her given the situation. She was my shadow and my best friend. She was my comfort and my support. We overcame so much together, and now, she’s gone.

She never got to meet my son. That is truly the hardest part of it all. She was supposed to be here! She was supposed to love and care for him with me. I’m so broken because of this.

I have to stop.

I miss you Monk. If you are still out there, please come home. If you’re not, I love you. So much.

 

The Vlog Thought…

I hate hearing or talking to myself. I really don’t like the idea all that much, but I am thinking that this might be the easiest way to get some of my ideas and thoughts out there in a more timely fashion. Its a tough choice. I don’t like it much, but its an ever growing idea. It has to be much more than just parenting, and I feel like I can involve Anthony more with the process. We shall see. I have to run it by him too. See how much of a turd he thinks I’ll be by doing it.

Damn… that means I have to look somewhat presentable…

A Shit Ton of Catch-Up!!

Well…

I suck at blogging…

I am the worst about keeping up to date. I really am; with everything.

Trying to figure out what has happened since I last wrote…

I think the smartest thing to do would be to section out everything into their own story… I’ll add the links in as I go along, but I just wanted the basics put out there…

Ok…Time To Catch Up!

Holy crap!

Things have been a real roller coaster for the past few weeks!

First off…

RIP Rudy!

Our oldest doggy has tragically passed away. He was a very sweet wire-haired Jack Russell. I am not going into the full details of this death, as it was traumatic for the entire family. I will say that he had a good long life and that he is now at rest with his original owner, Michelle (Anthony’s mom). We are sad to see him go to suddenly, but we are happy that he is there to comfort her on the other side.


Now… My girl, Monkey, is sick…

I think it’s Lymes, but I just really do not have a single dollar to my name to go get her checked out.

Just last week I finally was able to register my vehicle here in NC after my WA tabs had expired for over a month… So we are certainly living paycheck to paycheck at this point… and that paycheck is already gone.

She is acting like her normal shy, timid, lonesome self. But she just refuses to eat ANYTHING. Whatever cold cuts or meat I have given her she nibbles at or spits it out when I’m not looking.

She is a very silly old soul. Not many people understand her, or her past. No one can yell or get too excited around her. Let alone ask her gently to do anything more than twice. Like, getting off or ON the bed. She was really abused by her previous family and they never nurtured her sensitive side, so she is really nervous and worried around people. She also is, super self-aware and knows exactly when you are talking about her. She doesn’t like to be rude, so she will take food from you, but won’t eat it. Sometimes she pretends to eat it to seem polite but then spits it out when you aren’t looking.

I’ve taken her out on special trips to the store, I’ve taken her to the river to splash around. She’s not very social with other dogs, and really just is my shadow. So it’s hard to say that anything is bothering her physically. She just seems down. I’ve given her a nice shower and brushing and she looks good, but my girl has lost so much weight.

Trying to touch her legs and body, she has always been nervous but allows it to happen. She’s a certified therapy dog, so its not like she is aggressive, just uncomfortable with a lot of things.

I manage to get some substance into her daily. Not as much as I would like. She’s eating for me, not for herself…

Getting really scared that I’m going to wake up and she’ll be gone. Hard to refrain from worrying too much, because I’m pregnant. But when your fur baby is sick and you can do NOTHING, its hard to do anything else.

I’d max out my cards, if I still had a card to max out. My bank account is -$385, and I think Ant only has about $50 in his account after paying for my car… And he is our only income. He’s stressing out so much.


Steve (Ant’s dad), has been up and down with his mood.

Little work, even less money. He just had a small accident at his current job site and needed to go get stitches.

After losing Rudy, he’s also been a mess- not to mention we lost all the ducks.

These guys are not as used to death and loss as I am I feel. I mean, yes they are because Ant’s lost his mom and grandma and dogs over the years. I’ve lost grand-parents and been there to hold their hands as they took their last breaths. I’ve been around for both passings, when I was very young. I’ve dealt with the loss of many animals over the years. As a child, I would always go out and find hurt animals. Or rescue the baby animals that my cats would catch. Trying to nurse back to health half eaten animals. Loss was common.

Where I am heartbroken over Rudy, I was never able to cry about it. I had to move his body when Steve first found him. It was really recent, so he was still soft. Sorry to be super morbid. Steve was a mess, I had to call Ant out of work. I was really shaken and nervous for Steve. Ant was sad, but, at the same time we knew it was coming. He was old.

As for the ducks… they were ducks. I’m sorry- call me heartless. My family has tons of chickens and ducks. They die all the time. It happens. They are farm animals and the lowest on the chain at that. We do have a coop, but they are loose 24/7 and the chickens have found a way to survive by sleeping in the trees the overhang the house. The ducks could not do that, and would just quack at the base of the trees because they couldn’t follow. Just rang their own dinner bell.

The guys were sad to them all go, one by one. But, I advise them against ducks, and warned them every step of the way about what was going to happen. So, sorry, little sympathy from me on that one.


GOOD NEWS!

Amid all the bullshit we’ve been dealing with, there is a sliver of good to all of this.

I am scheduled to be induced labor on August 16th!!!!

A week earlier than expected!!!!!!!

During this most recent doctors appointment, she dropped this bomb on us that we could schedule inducing at all.

Since having the gestational diabetes, they have been looking at my sugars and so far, I’ve been able to avoid medication. Just diet control (yay me!), things have been getting more difficult with the stress and heavy flood of hormones as I creep closer to my due date.

First, I requested her to deliver the baby. As far as I had known, there were 4 doctors that I was seeing and any one of them could be on call when I would go into labor. So, they had me meeting with everyone so that I would be seeing a familiar face at the hospital. But, I really love Dr. Alison Christopher. So I asked her if there was any way I could request her. She just popped with an “Oh! We are going to schedule to induce you today anyways!” WHAT?! I didn’t think that was on my agenda at all. I thought that was really only reserved for c-sections or more at risk things.

So, she was telling me that August 21st I’d go in at 6pm and start the induction overnight and deliver (hopefully) sometime the next day. Then, she mentioned that since they are still unsure that I would need to be put on medication, if I do get put on, then they would need to reschedule me for a week sooner! Anthony and I burst out into nervous laughter. I don’t know if that was appropriate or not, but we did.

So. Instead of risking having to reschedule last minute, we decided that since it was still safe to deliver at that point, that I would just be induced August 16th at 6pm! HOLY SHIT!

I am really glad to have Anthony there with me for that, because that would have been a very scary decision to make all alone. So… 26 more days!!!!

I told my mom and she went crazy. Her and my abuelita both are trying their hardest to convince me last second to opt out of natural birth. Which is only making me more determined to prove them wrong. My mom is very against most of my chosen methods for birthing and raising my baby.

Who knows, she could be right about everything. But, she is just so adiment that everything is gross, terrible, or too painful to even give it any attempt or thought. She is so grossed out by breastfeeding. Horrified even. Really hates my choice of cloth diapering; although she has gotten me some of the better brands to do it. She doesn’t want me to give any attempt into pushing at all, and just go for c-section. She saw my belly and freaked out about my stretch marks.

Look… I am not a girly person. I have scars. Tons of them. Covered. Everywhere. I have facial piercings that she hates too. But my scars at this point, are nothing to me. Its just my skin. And I see these stretch marks as beautiful in their own way. I’m not phased by it really. I’m more annoyed that she is so against, everything I want to do. I can hear her eyes rolling when I tell her about the HypnoBirthing methods and cloth diapering options and breast pumps. Whatever. My baby.

Well, now that I’m caught up some, I think I’m going to pass out! I’ve been so tired.

Sorry for the novel!

I’m still here

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while! Some things have come up that have taken my attention away. I will go into further details soon. Just don’t want people to think I’ve stooped all together.

To keep it semi-simple, Rudy our oldest dog, passed away tragically. My dog Monkey is ill and I can’t afford a vet or treatment. Steve has been hitting some rough patches. Anthony feels his place of business is running into the ground. And we got some good news, I am scheduled to be induced a week early! Can’t wait to meet our baby boy! 

Things have been nuts, my mind is all over. My girl is sick and idk what to do. After Rudy passed away, all I can think of is how I’m going to lose her too. Trying not to over think it. 

Keeping a Diary & WitchCraft

I am doing it!

I am going to get into the groove of keeping a diary or journal.

So far, I’m on day… 1.5… But it’s a start!

I am recording my dreams, which are getting stranger by the day (damn hormones). I am also keeping track of my tarot card spreads. I’ve always meant to do this, and I’ve tried for years, but never really kept up with it… I’m terrible, I know.

Yes, I am a tarot card person. And oracle cards. And I burn herbs and oils for various spiritual deities. Some call it voo-doo. Some call it witchcraft. I’ve just been raised by a mother who was all about astrology/numerology/card readings/meanings of dreams/spirits…etc. It’s just a part of me now.


What’s funny, is that was how Anthony’s mom was too. So we are both very spiritual people; in that sense. Not religious, spiritual. We wear crystals and oils. If I can time things right, we burn things during a full moon. I burn sage and cleanse the house. Simple things. We aren’t the types to do full on latin chants, or have full on circles- mostly because we don’t know that much about it. But it’s always been an interest for us.

What I find even funnier than all of that, is it’s always been like this with him and I. Although, when we were younger, it was like the skeleton in his closet. Like I’ve said before, he was a totally different person when in public or school. We didn’t talk, he was a strange jerk. Around his friends, he was a rap listening, white Nike wearing, baggy clothes styled guy. Typical high school ass hole really… lol sorry babe. But around me, he listened to metal, and wore his converse. We did card readings for each other and talked about spirits and the stars and the energies of the world. Thank god he’s finally found himself and got out of all that. He still listens to rap and still has his white shoes. But, I’ve also taken him to his first REAL metal show, and we skateboard. Like I’ve said before, we are a really good balance for each other.


What I’m trying to also accomplish by keeping a diary/journal, is get Anthony to start writing more. And to read more. He gets discouraged by things he doesn’t know, and gives up on them. In the world of technology, he’s lost ability to write well, and has stunted his vocabulary. His creative juices are not flowing the way they should be. I can tell that he’s kind of willing to give it a go, now that he sees me write at night & in the morning, and reading my books. He gets jealous of the attention it takes off of him lol.

I’ve always enjoyed writing, I’ve gotten really nice awards and certificates for it, so its hard to just let my juices stop flowing.


Right now, I am really a pretty corny book, as you can read all about in a previous post… but I am simultaniously studying for my labor.

Yes. That’s what I’m calling it… studying for it.

I am going to attempt to use a birthing method called HypnoBirthing. But I need to dedicate an entire post and category or page to it.

If you couldn’t tell, I’m a bit of a hippy, and want to try to go as natural as I can. This being said, I have NO IDEA what I’m signing myself up for. My family tells me I am crazy and that birth is terrible, but I don’t care. It’s just giving me more reason to try.

My technique of studying this book is basically reading it, and rewriting it in a power point format. Maybe I’ll send this HUGE power point to my mom and educate her a little bit.

Ok…How Much Longer?!?

Ok, I’ve reached that point!

6 weeks & 6 more days to go!!!

I am officially starting to get really tired of being pregnant.

I’m sorry. I’m weak. For all those mothers out there who have multiple children and those who are further along that I am right now. I am sorry. I get it now. This is sucky.

My heart burn came back. It lasts ALL. DAY. LONG. No matter what I try, nothing seems to help. Drinking water, especially in this NC heat, is just making it worse and makes me feel like I am totally going to throw up. (Water for whatever reason has always triggered a vomit reflex for me, idk why. It’s gotten better over time.) I am nearly out of milk, and antacids only help for maybe an hour. I don’t want to take anymore than I already am.

If anyone has any other remedies for this, let me know! PLEASE!

I’ve always understood the fatigue and general weakness and tiredness. I mean, come on. We are making a little person, that shit takes a lot out of you! I also understand that “its your body’s way of preparing you for the no-sleep that you are going to be going through”. But, lets be real!

Oh, BTW!!!! I have become really irritable again, so I’m sorry for yelling… BUT! I don’t care who you are. I don’t care how much you know. How experienced you are with it by now… telling me “just wait until he arrives, say goodbye to sleep! hahahahaha” is NOT helping me.

First of all!

I am not tired in the sense of I’m not getting sleep (I’m not, so that is probably not helping).

I don’t feel like I’m really sleep deprived (although I probably totally am- again, heartburn. All hours).

I feel like I’ve been drugged! I am so awake! But, I feel like I took Tylenol PM or Nyquil or something like that, that I’m fighting.

I would be ok if it was just the kind of tiredness that you get from taking care of a baby day and night. Or cleaning. Or washing. Or you know, mommy responsibilities. But this is just like I’ve been thrown into a tar pit while fully awake. With a backpack of cinder blocks. And a large anchor keeping me in the middle of the pit. There might also be a treadmill in there, cause I’m moving, just not going anywhere…

I know its totally not the same, but I used to be young (I know I still am, but yeah). I used to have a full time job, be a full time student, then go to metal concerts and take photos as a side gig, THEN go home and edit said photos. THEN, do it all over again. There would be maybe 1-2 hours of sleep per day… maybe a lucid cat-nap on the subway ride between everything. This went on for MONTHS! Also, there was drinking and partying going on. I survived all that!

Like, I’m just sitting around. Well not really. I can’t sit still. I am so tired, and have been for the past few days (hence me not writing in a while) that I can’t really finish anything. But I’ve made some pretty cool shit in the past few days- just to stay productive.


I’ve made Peach Jelly, Fruit Leathers, and Steve (Anthony’s dad, who we live with) and I just finished my Changing Station…Creation(?) Cupboard(?)…Thing(?) pictures will be up of it soon! It’s huge and great! I love how it came out.


I want to practice some more yoga, but anything I want to start working on, I can’t cause of this big huge belly.

I want to start bigger projects with Steve. I’ve designed this huge big bed platform and bookcase thing that I want to make soon. But, I have to do it in really, really small steps. It gets so hot in the shop that I start fading out fast. Plus heartburn and nausea, I don’t last through a lot of it. I hate leaving him with tons of work left to do on it. But, it should be getting started soon. CAN’T WAIT!


Speaking of the belly…

I was trying to get some pictures of it to send to family and friends, and I discovered that I have HUGE stretch marks going on under there!! I nearly screamed! Ok, I did… and cried. I also, sent an angry text to Anthony for not saying anything about them! WHAT THE HELL MAN!?! I could have been applying more creams and oils on that thing had I known!!! Ugh! So mad!

Anywho…

Even typing all this out, I am getting really sleepy. I’d love to nap, but every time I even lay down. I get energy and can’t actually sleep. Ever. And if I do nap. I’ll never sleep tonight.

I am hating this now… Counting down the days!!! I can’t wait for him to be here!!!!!